That Which Overwhelms

I had my first interview today at Baylor Garland. Although it was more laid back than usual since I already know everyone (faculty and residents), but I still got some hard questions that kept me on my toes. Wearing a black suit set and knowing that you are being interviewed, scrutinized and evaluated have a way to make you feel nervous. I thought overall it went well. The PD (program director) told me to call him next Friday. Don't know if I'll still be doing the pre-match thing?

I came home and took a serious nap. I had woken up really early for the interview this morning and I also stayed up last night to do my own manicure. After my nap, instead of feeling refreshed, I felt as if the world, my world, is spinning out of control. I felt heavy-headed and nauseated. I noticed the messes that have gathered around me, clothes on the bed, pots and pans out of their place in the kitchen. . . I started remembering the chief resident asking me how my military commitment (one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year) would figure into my intern schedule, then later the PD asked me what are the chances that my unit or myself will be deployed. . .I assured them both that my medical training comes first and that the army promotes that, but still what if the war goes badly and they needed even little old me to be over there? Then I read Laurel’s latest blog on 'attachment parenting' which means you’re there to respond to your baby’s every need every moment of the day. . . it called into question my plans and ability to have a baby during residency and then remembering with chagrin that I am now closer to age 30 than 20. . .I looked around once again at my messy home and mentally planned for a major cleaning day after work tomorrow or on Saturday. . . I’m thinking of the q3 call schedule I’ll be on as an intern next year, I remember hubby’s plan to take classes on top of his full-time job, and realizing how our house might look then! I remember my cat, meowing incessantly to be fed and shedding hair on my carpet which needs to be vaccumed often. . .then, I recall being all psyched up, standing tall and confident in my black suit before the interview today and telling myself, “I can do it all, I can do it”….but now in my PJs and with make-up off, standing in the mist of mess and with thoughts going in a hundred directions, I started to ask, “am I kidding myself?” I just felt like I don't have it together, I became very overwhelmed….

I didn’t know where to start to sort out all the mess, both environmentally and mentally. . .I started with having a bowl of ice cream, it calmed my nausea and gave me a boost of energy. . .”okay,” I said to myself, “first thing is first.” I need to find my cell phone, which I had lost touch with since yesterday, I found it in a Target bag that I haven’t unpacked from the store last night. . .I had 7 missed calls from hubby who wanted to hear about my interview. . .then I turned off the radio and TV, don’t need more noise and more news on the war in Iraq, then, the most brilliant idea came to my head, Enya! So I logged onto http://www.pandora.com/ and tuned into my Enya radio station. Her gentle voice and musical sounds calmed me.

The world stopped spinning miraculously (was it Enya, ice cream or both?). My head feels light again, nausea is gone, Enya is still on in the background. Yes, just maybe, I can make it work, I can do it all. . .I felt everything will be okay. . .I will start with hanging up my interview clothes and tidying up a bit, hubby will come home soon, I'll bounce some thoughts off of him, we'll have dinner, I'll sleep, then go to work. Then savior weekend will come so I can clean this messy place I call my home and my life.