What does Luck have to do with it?

It was one of those days that started so early that by the time it ended, the morning felt like it whole another a day ago. I was home at night before I remembered the jarring event that started my day. . .I was driving to work in the dark 'cause that's how it is at 5:30 AM in the morning, when I suddenly noticed a bicyclist literally just 20 feet ahead of my SUV! I quickly swerved to the other lane, so LUCKY that there was no car on the other lane, and even LUCKier because I didn't hit the bicyclist who had no reflective gear on him nor the bike! It was impossible to see him on a non-lit street. I wanted to yell out, "you idiot!", "do you want to die?!" but I quickly began thanking God for not allowing me to hurt someone and for bypassing (no pun intended) what could have been a tragedy. I had literally just missed hitting the man by a second! Yes, I felt lucky and grateful.

Now I'm thinking of an exchange of words that happened between my attending and a patient that same day. The conversation went like this,

Dr. B: You husband had a mini stroke and it has since resolved. It turns out he didn't have a full-blown stroke. He's a very lucky man.

Patient's wife: Luck has nothing to do with it, it's BLESSING, that's what it is, BLESSING.

The wife was so emphatic with her answer it reminds me of the mannerisms of a preacher teaching Sunday school or a politician rebutting his opponent.

LUCK and BLESSING?? What are their relationship, if any? Are luck and blessing the different sides of the same coin? Are they the same thing? Or some will say "there is no such thing as luck."

I wonder what will my patient's wife say to the spouses of the many many patients who have strokes and end up aphasic and paralyzed? Were those patients simply unblessed or damned? Was I blessed or just lucky to have avoided that accident on the road this morning? I certainly felt both lucky and blessed at the same time. Then how do I explain the poignant and tragic interview I saw on Oprah with a grandmother who accidentally ran over her young grandson while backing out of the driveway. Why? Why did I not hit the stupid man on his bike and the grandmother killed her beloved grandson? Does luck or blessing have anything to do with our similar but different scenarios?

The crutch of the problem for me is when one says "I am blessed by God because of such and such" that is to say others who are in opposite situations are NOT blessed by God. Does anyone have such power to make such a statement for God --whom He blesses and whom He doesn't? Yes, there are blessings in disguise which we find out later. But are "blessings in disguise" ever include untimely deaths of loved ones?

Anyways, just some of my thought. Good night.

I'm Proud of my Country

I have been having a taste of being a resident this past week. I thought I'd be horrible at giving orders, supervising interns, etc. It's only been what, weeks, since I was the one that had a upper level to fall back on. Suddenly, I'm that fall-back person.

Luckily, my intern is really nice and receptive. He's from India and actually have finished his orthopedics surgery residency there before coming to the states. He's the wide-eyed intern that most people are when they start. He kept saying how nice all the attendings are here and how much he likes this residency program. He has these horrible stories of residency back in India where residents are too scared to even talk to their attendings.

I'm reminded of Michelle Obama's words in a speech recently, "for the first time in my adult life, I'm proud of my country." Her comment makes me go "ummmm," in a bad way. For her to say that is rather ignorant, not to mention unfitting for a presidential candidate's wife. There are people who would leave their home country AND go through grueling residency training all over again just to be in this country. I didn't even have to ask why my intern wants to be an intern again even though he's already a fully licensed doctor in India. I know the answer, a better life. There are so many foreign medical grads that do this every year. It's what my Dad did for me when he left China in the 1980's. Wealth, democracy, equity, human rights. . .no, these things are not perfect in America, but it shouldn't have to take a foreigner to appreciate the privilege of being an American.

So, for Michelle Obama to say that she's never been proud of America until now, well, obviously, she's never been to India, China, or Mexico.

Thoughts on a Rainy Afternoon

It's a rare rainy weekend in Texas. Unfortuately, it happens on my rare weekend off. Now, I'm inclined to just stay inside and won't be walking the dog, to my chagrin.

My Dad called me on Valentine's Day to say, "happy Valentine's day." He's never done that before! I proceeded to tell him Valentine's Day is no big deal and I'm working anyways, but he said yes it was and I shouldn't let work encroach on having a life. I suppose he's gotten sentimental with age. I was on call that day in the hospital and Paul texted me "happy Valentine's," which I thought was sweet of him. There were chocolates, cookie and cakes every where in the hospital and I gorged plenty on Valentine goodness.

If Feb 14th passed without much fanfare this year, then Chinese New Year did with even less. It's the Year of the Rat!! Again, my parents were aghast at the fact that hubby and I had no celebration plans nor holiday spirit. Holiday traditions are super important to my parents from the Christmas tree every year to the right auspicious food to eat on Chinese New Year's. One day I shall be like that, too, but at this point in my life, it just can't be done.

Certain patients leave an indelible mark on me and I continue to think about them way after my need to. It was this way with this patient of mine that was discharged yesterday. I woke up this morning wondering how she is faring in her new nursing home. In her demented state, she's become like a child, a very cantankerous one, outright indecent, and sometimes bordering on being violent. From knowing her in the past several days, I know she needs just the right type of cajoling and coaxing for her to be properly cared for. I hope it is the way with her at the nursing home. In the process of caring for her in the hospital, I've gotten to know her, her unsavory past, her undesirable present, the bridges she's burned with her family and friends, and her utter lack of insight into her situation. She yelled unprovoked expletives at me and I pitied her even more with a deeper drive to help her which is perhaps only a small bandage to her gaping wound.

On my day off, the going-ons of the hospital is last thing I want on my mind, but sometimes I encounter people who's journey and paths are so drastically different from those of my own life that I can't stop thinking about them. I suppose it makes me extra grateful for my own given life. I realize I'm remarkably normal and functional. This leads to think about the issue of mental health and how disorders like schizophrenia and bipolor wreck havoc on people's wellbeing and their capacity for a meaningful life. I could never be a psychiatrist and be in the middle of these people's broken situations and more often than not, there are no good answers to why or how to "fix" them. My patient is who she is today because of the series of poor decisions she made due to her mental health and its left her in the decrepit state she is in now. Truly, who's to blame, who's responsible? As healthcare workers, we can only do so much. I think about the recent college shooting in North Illinois and the predicable relationship to the mental health of the shooter, or the Virginia Tech shooter and his disturbed mind. I think the nation as a whole is at a lost for answers for how to prevent another tragedy such as these. Is it more gun control? Is it more aggressive or mandatory treatment of people with mental health disorders? Or should we take the lassie fair attitude of one commentator, "we can't change the weather, we can only change our sail."

Medicine and Religion

Should Doctors Pray for their Patients?

I haven’t read much on this topic to know the consensus agreement or the schools of thought on this out there, but this issue was brought up to me recently and I have some thoughts on it.

Someone at Bible Study wanted to know if I prayed for my patients? I said no, it is not my habit to do so. He proceeded to say something along the line of “well, you can only act in accordance with your conscience. . . without our conscience, then we have nothing.” I didn’t answer him back but just nodded, but now I am a wee bit incensed. Here’s my response to this.

While I don’t pray for my patients in the strict sense, I do have compassion and think about my patients often, many times long after I’ve come home and it is not just because my beeper from the hospital goes off. So to the best of my “conscience,” I feel like this is the right thing to do, praying or not. I am still at the beginning of my medical training, while having compassion for my patients come naturally to me, having a comprehensive arsenal of medical knowledge and know-how doesn’t and it is that latter tool I seek to sharpen everyday. I don’t doubt prayers for patients are important but I don’t believe it is my role as a doctor. There are chaplains for every religion and denomination in the hospital, there are community resources just for the spiritual needs of the sick. And of course there are family members and friends. If it was me on the other side of the sick bed, I would ask and expect all my friends to pray for my loved one. But as a doctor, what I do pray about regularly is that I don’t hurt people under my care and that God would give me the strength to do what I need to do to become the doctor the patients need. So, no I don’t pray for my patients directly. I believe what they need from me is competent medical practice and advice. Prayers help people but they don’t always treat or cure diseases, medicine and surgery do. If prayers had the track records that cardiac catherization has on heart attacks or surgery has on an infected gallbladder, then medical professionals would be taught on the mechanisms and practice of praying along with pharmacology and pathology. The fact remains, God chooses to answer very few of the human prayers for delivering people from illness. That is simply not His way. Our limited human-ness can’t understand why but that is just the way it is. What praying lacks, medicine picks up with drugs and technology. No, medical science does not cure spiritual ills, but then again it wasn’t meant to do that nor was I trained to so. I’m glad there are special gifted people who become chaplains or prayer warriors that tend to patients' spiritual needs which arguably is on par with a person’s physical needs.

Unlike my friend at Bible study, I don’t look at everyone I meet or every situation I encounter through spiritually-colored lenses. Perhaps I should, perhaps this is a mark of my spiritual immaturity, but nevertheless, it is my station in life now. Perhaps one day I will reach new heights spiritually and have a completely different view but right now I’m just not there yet.

This same said friend expressed his concern that I was becoming a back-sliding Christian and wanted to know if hubby and I could meet an extra day on a weekday with them (since I can make it on weekends only seldomly), to help me back on track, so to speak. In his usual subtle-ness, he basically said we are all busy people and if we are truly dedicated, then time wouldn’t be an excuse. Yes, I agree we are all busy, I don’t degrade their busy-ness beneath me but I also know myself and what I’m able to do and not do. I agree I don’t always use my time wisely, definitely too much time Googling such non-sense as lop-sided bunnies and watching Cashmere Mafia on-line. However, it is my winding down time and I probably won’t become disciplined enough to change. I whole-hearted am grateful for their concern for my spiritual health. They are wonderful friends to count on and to have. However, I can’t imagine adding on another regularly scheduled activity onto my plate since I’m not evening doing well with the ones already on it! What I’d love is for them to pray for me and of course their understanding for the fact that this is a demanding and exciting time in my life.

You know what else I really need? A maid!! Seriously, I’m looking for one and in the process of deciding whether we can afford one or not.

To be honest, I am most concerned these days with becoming a competent physician, most other things have taken a back burner in life. Such is the season in my life, and like other seasons, it’ll come to pass. I still know too little to be where I need to be one day but I know enough to know medical errors happen and can hurt or kill patients and I never want that to happen to me. One of the many cited drawbacks of medicine by physician themselves is the tremendous liability that we have on my minds and backs. Medical errors kill thousands of patients every year. For me, the issue can’t be overemphasized or overstated. Even as a lowly intern, because I have the power to prescribe, the treatment or medications I order or didn’t order can have detrimental effects on people. We are all human and human errors happen but I hope to never become too jaded or too careless to make such a fatal mistake.


That’s my rant.

November No More

November would have been a very monotonous month if it weren't for Thanksgiving. You know, work, home, sleep, doggy, husband, etc. We had settled into a perpetual routine, right down to when the dog pees and poops. Then my parents came here for Thanksgiving and broke up the monotony, in a very good way, of course.

Let's see, on Thanksgiving day I was post-call and basically greeted my parents in my jammies and went to bed until dinner. Hubby and my mom cooked our Thanksgiving turkey and untraditional fixings. I gave myself the permission to have the weekend off. I was already off from work, but I let myself off of ALL work. I didn't lift a single finger for the whole weekend. Somehow my family accepted this unspoken agreement of my total laziness and the three of them cooked and served. Not that I think I deserved it in someway, maybe I just took advantage, or maybe I was just tired. Before my parents left, they had cooked enough to stuff full our whole freezer and then some.

Whenever I've been able to get off at a decent time this month, I've been driving to a neighborhood across the highway to take walks with Hiro. It's a bit of hassel to drive off for a walk but somedays it's worth it. I feel like I'm "borrowing" the neighborhood since I don't actually live there. It has to be one of Dallas's most expensive neighborhoods with the prime location, huge houses, lovely old trees, nice seasonal decorations and professionally maintained lawns. There's also a little park with water fountain, ducks, and several inconspicuous stands that dispense disposable doggy poop scoopers. How cool! However, what's not conspicuous is that it's a largely Caucasian neighborhood. Any "foreigners" are the dark-haired nannies on the playgrounds looking after little blonde children and the lawn manicurists driving in their "lawncare" pickups. When I skip across the highway back to my neighborhood, I'll always see people waiting at the bus stop or walking down the sidewalk with grocery bags in hand. My neighborhood is mostly apartments buildings and condos, one of which was a Katrina housing. I see people of all colors here. This is also where we have a homeless man sneaking into our condo building at night and have frequent reports of auto thefts. The other neighborhood has their own police force in SUVs while we have a neighborhood watch group online. Their neighborhood have Oriental rug stores and boutique cookie shops and we have a bar and Condoms To Go store nearby. I only write this because I can't help but notice the differences! So this is America where the racial, social and economical divides are still so evident before my very own eyes. Part of me would like to think that this country has progressed more than this but I'm a bit disappointed to see it's not so. It seems like in America, the rich today tends to be rich tomorrow and the poor stay poor perpetually, Asian immimgrants notwithstanding. Keeping-it-in-the-family style. I really don't have an organized point to make. I'm no social commentator or political scientist so I'm sorry if you think I'm going anywhere deep with this. I'm just a lay person making an observation. Oh yeah, no where near do I see many Asians around me, except for the international students who, like myself, temporarily take up residence where dwelling is affordable and the drive is convenient. By and large, settled Asians like to live in subburbs on the outskirts of Dallas where houses are big, land is abundant and cows are nearby. True Texas style. I am jesting just a bit but ha, joke on me, as hubby and I will probably be one of those people someday. The pull of my ethnicity!

I also want to mention that on my semi-regular walks, I've met some dogs and their owners. For one thing, Hiro is too friendly and insists on greeting every living thing that we pass, both the two-legged and the four-legged. And the other thing, dog owners tend to be friendly and like to stop and chat about their dogs. Funny how we usually exchange dog names but rarely our own. I've met a man and his schnauzer named Drowser, a female nurse with her pomeranian named Dinky, and another lady with a black short-haired mutt named Shadow. I'm grateful for some doggy interaction for Hiro and bits of useful doggy advice for myself.

Bye bye November, until next year.

No Title Entry

I'm feeling a whole lot better and more optimistic this week. I just needed a couple of days off. That was not too much to ask for in life is it??! Amazingly, our last call was relatively light which meant I was able to wash my face, use the bathroom and eat (things that come second to patients in the ER) . . . and my clinic schedule had a few no-shows which meant I got out in time. Perhaps God was looking out for me:) Also, with hubby's help, I rearranged some furnitures at home that's both more functional and feng-shui. Okay, I don't know about the feng-shui part, but it works, okay?!

One thing I haven't managed to fit in my life is study time. I'm suppose to read about my patients every night, do questions for our monthly exam daily, and regularly read the medical journals that come in the mail. Oh yeah, and do research project on the side, as in "outside" of our 80-hr work week. Sometimes, I just meditate on the incredulousness of all the expectations around me. It's all just a little too much for me. I've got the dog, the cat, a husband, a home to take care of after work. I'm already not shopping, exercising and I hardly socialize, yet, I just don't have enough time in a day.

In light of this, a friend asked me recently, "why did you get a dog? how do you have the time?" I so appreciated her question, I thought it was very intuitive of her to ask. With no time for essentials like sleep and pray, why did I get a dog at this time? The simple truth is I had no idea how much it would take to take care of a puppy! Sometimes you learn the lesson after the fact. Luckily, I feel like I've been bailed out. Not only is hubby helping out so much with Hiro, he's a natural at being a dog owner/lover. I appreciate it since it was principally me that wanted to get the dog in the first place. And with Hiro being toilet-trained, that helps out a bunch, too!

It brings up the question in me, if I knew the EXACT consequences of every decision I make, would I still have made those decisions? I wonder how many experiences I'd have missed out on? Should all our decisions be perfect? Should we aspire to a life that always go according to plan? I mean, if I knew how I felt about medicine today, would I still have decided to become pre-med in college? If I knew how marriage is really like on some days, would I still got married? And the puppy, if all the work was revealed to me beforehand, would I have taken him home?

In my opinion, thinking too much is a sure way to kill an experience. It's like being at the mall, if I think too much about a purchase, I probably wouldn't end up buying anything at all. Or if you are skydiving, right before you jump, you start to think about what you're really doing, then how can you jump after that?

I'm not saying we shouldn't think before we proceed, but there are those of us who err on the side of thinking too much. Of course, bad decisions in life are inevitable. But I don't think regret does anyone any good most of the time. I used to know someone who said his goal in life is to have no regrets. That could mean you avoid making decisions so no bad OR good decisions are made, or you learn the art of making lemonade out of lemons in life. Perhaps it's true what they say, "nothing worth having in life comes easy." At end of the day, I'm still glad I'm a doctor, married and a mommy to a puppy. So that's my life in a nutshell. Although I'm constantly trying to fit more in a nutshell than it can hold.

Seriously, this is just for laughs. . .

A resident sent me this, it made me chuckle.

*CLICK on pic to ENLARGE*

Insomniac Thoughts

As I watched (with my newly minted LASIKed eyes) my bedside clock beams out “4:41am”, I knew I had drank some seriously strong coffee this evening. I simply can’t fall asleep! The coffee was in an effort to sound my approval for the latest study showing that coffee drinkers have less cancer. You know how when you can’t fall sleep, every physical discomfort is magnified ten-fold? My head turned and tossed and all but protested to the cumbersome goggle I have to wear in bed post-LASIK. My body heat was all but unbearable because the customary ceiling fan had to be turned off also due to post-LASIK instructions (my eyes will dry out, said the doc). Funny, hubby had Starbucks Espresso and a can of COKE, but he seems to be unperturbed in his slumber! My caffeine-driven insomnia would have been perfect for one of those on-call nights I’ll be doing in the soon future. “The ER has another new admit at 4am? No problem!” I would be energized, feeling chirper, ready to go . . .if only I was on call tonight.

Another tale-tell sign of insomnia is when your mind can’t be shut off, there are thoughts racing through my head like horses on a race track. I was thinking about the wrong things I said during Bible study tonight (I can be such a loud blabber mouth) and my future in medicine. I was also thinking that if I ever have another blog, maybe a private and personal as in my-eyes-only blog, I would name it “Journey to Heaven.” Isn’t that what life is all about to a Christian, our journey to heaven, the much awaited eventual destination? Once I heard a person say that our short life on earth is just a preparation for eternity. I don’t know if I totally accept that statement, but it is how I would like to think of and live my life. The people I meet, the ones I befriend, the man I marry, the strangers I encounter, the children I raise, the patients I treat, the family I love. . .they are all part of this journey that leads me back home, to God. Through the laughter, the tears, the frowns, the smiles, and the anger, the sadness, the jealousy, the joy. . .through the weddings, the funerals, the graduations, the birthdays, the quarrels, the vacations, the rainstorms. . .all the emotions and occasions of life are all slow, small, and sure steps to that one eventuality we will all face one day, death and standing before God.

I had some lofty thoughts of finding a new church family close to our new home. Not just a “church”, which sounds like any other place of establishment I frequent, like a hair salon or grocery store. No, a “church family” implies that I would get plugged in, as they say, I would know people who calls me during the week and hugs me on Sundays. I would volunteer in an area of ministry and have prayer partners. But reality is not so lofty. Actually, I would be working six days a weeks, and my day off not always Sunday but different every week, and I’ll be on call every fifth day. So, if I find a church, but don’t show my face, I’m guessing the “family” part of “church family” won’t really happen. Should I even find a church? Should I just focus my time on the Christian friends I have in my current small-group family-based Bible study?

If I was to be more honest and think deeper, which I apparently have plenty of time to do now, the truth is that once residency gets started, my schedule gets rolling and regimented, likely I won’t even be pondering these questions of church searching and spirtual journeying. I just won’t have the time, I know myself under stress.

I think about my life in medicine, and the specialty of internal medicine I am now bound to. The great arena that is internal medicine, sometimes referred to simply as “medicine.” It’s so encompassing, unlimited by organ systems and disease types. Except for obstetrics and gynecology and pediatric conditions, internal medicine covers everything else that might plague the human body. I don’t think I can just ignore the medical aspect of the female reproductive system and kids from now on, because as a female and mother-to-be, these topics are inherent to who I am. Professionally, however, I won’t be bothered with gyn and peds, so to speak. “Professional,” that’s what I am now. Before, I have been a professional student for many many years, but now I’m just a professional. Yes, I am looking forwarding to being a doctor. With gratitude and excitement, to be sure, but I’m not facing the future with full embrace, but with tender reservations. My heart is at home, but I’ve given myself to a profession.

I read through my resident contract for the first time today, it’s still a little unreal to me, to be paid for what I do. Me?! I’m 27 years old, and I’ve never been paid for anything I do except part-time minimum wage jobs. Well, technically, it’s a stipend, as the contract calls it, but it’s more money than I’ve ever seen attached to my name. I’ll be the bread earner for our small family of two no less since hubby will be quitting his job and reverting to full-time student status next week. I worry, just a healthy amount, about our finances. We’ll make do, after all, we have no plans of buying new cars or planning another wedding in the near future like we did the last couple of years. This is just temporary, my being the sole money maker. I am glad that hubby is pursuing his dreams. We bought a study desk for him in the spare bedroom, which can now be legally called a study room and I see things coming together for him.

So, how can I be a sojourner to heaven in light of all this? Do I continue to be a distracted sojourner? Will my prayers be just fleeting thoughts while on the road to and from work? Will my Chrisitiany be just a label to my identity? Will God be that distant figure in my head?

TV, why a bad thing?

Anothing ranting of mine. . .

I recently encountered a Christian blog that listed things NOT to do when one wants a full and wholesome life and a couple items included “don’t spend too much time in front of TV” and “don’t turn on the tube at dinner time.” I have to say that hubby and I are ‘guilty’ on both accounts. Okay, I understand the rationale behind these two advices: our precious spare time should be devoted to God or communication with our loved ones and not on hours of meaningless entertainment. Well, that’s just the thing, I don’t think TV is meaningless entertainment. I gain and learn a lot from watching TV.

Take TV sitcoms, I think some shows are hilarious and their value lies in the fact that they make me laugh. We all know laughter is good for the body and soul, and can’t be bought with money. One of the recommendations given to cancer patients is to watch funny TV shows or movies to help them relax and get their minds off of things.

Also, I’ve come to appreciate the smart TV show writers and actors that come up with the comedic stuff. How is it bad to enjoy and appreciate other’s true talent? Yes, I know many of those Hollywood people are non-Christians, and even anti-Christian and their views are sometimes reflected in their work. So, am I supporting anti-Christian messages when I watch TV? If that’s the argument, then I shouldn’t eat at restaurants after church on Sunday so as to not support an establishment full of workers that don’t attend church. And I should never visit Disney World then because we all know the anti-Christian views expressed by the Disney corporation and their subsidiaries. Well, then, also no animated Disney movies or any Hollywood movies just to be consistent. Clearly, I won’t buy that impractical and extreme route of thinking. I’m not a trash can, I don’t just accept anything and everything that is thrown at me. I can take the entertainment and occasionally educational value from TV and leave the dregs where it belongs, outside of my head.

TV shows often reveal very canny insights into the human condition. Take “Sex in the City,” surely one of the most smartly written shows ever! I’m not single, I don’t live in New York, and I believe pre-marital sex is wrong, but I can still appreciate the witty commentaries made on romantic relationships although they don't apply to me. Yes, I agree some characters and personalities are exaggerated and border on the unreal. For example, the husband/father in “According to Jim,” he’s is a fat, beer-chugging, anti-health, anti-sensitive man compared to his hard-working, wise, thin, gorgeous and motherly wife. He just annoys me. I agree with Dr. James Dobson that shows like that give a wrong and skewed portrayal of the husband/father as a weak-minded and insensitive boor, not at all like the head-of-the-house and take-charge type of father-figure espoused by Christianity. There are other examples such as Ray in “Everybody Loves Raymond.” However, I’d like to think I’m smart and mature enough to make that discernment and won't let those wrong characterizations affect me. For example, I would never accept those portrayals of man as what’s real or what my husband should be. I take what I can from those shows, namely that the shows are family-oriented and they do get some things right: the husbands works to support the family, the mothers stay at home, they love each other and their children, and they always strive to work out their problems. And of course, they are funny.

The other argument against TV is that it replaces conversations between family members. I DISagree, in my case, at least. If anything, hubby and I have more to share and talk about because of TV since TV brings up many interesting topics. Sure, they are not always deep or philosophical, but nevertheless, we love to talk about a crime that was reported on the evening news, or discuss an intense basketball game, or debate an investigative report on 20/20, or gossip about the outlandish romances on “Grey’s Anatomy.” Hubby and I simply never run out of things to say to each other, it’s something I’m grateful for. We certainly talk about serious and deep stuff outside of TV, too, to the point where I tell him, “honey, I really have to go to sleep now.” If some people feel like that TV usurps their communication time with their loved one, I venture to say they have a communication problem regardless of the TV. How do they know they won’t just sit in silence at dinner time with the TV off? Or if they force it too much, maybe the conversation will be just too contrived?

Like it or not, TV is here to stay. Which workplace doesn’t have a group of men that gathers around to talk about the latest basketball or football game? I’ve seen hubby do it with friends, it’s good male bonding time. And I have on more than one occasion struck up a conversation with someone on the latest elimination or our favorite contestants on “American Idol.” In a society as diverse as America, TV is something that brings people together. Yes, it’s a rather superficial topic and no friendship can sustain on the commonality of TV alone, but it’s the gateway to get to know your collegeaus and acquaintances better. As for people who are worried about parents not spending enough time with their kids because of TV, then by all means go out and play catch together, go fishing together, read a book together. And plan to watch an hour of your favorite show on TV, too. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless you actually resort to using TV as a babysitter. Then, that’s just wrong!

Finally, there are people that say TV turns your mind to mush, and it’s a waste of time and mind. Well, yes, there are times, I feel like I should have been doing something more productive like studying or cleaning the house or exercising, but by and large I’m on top of my studying, house upkeep and exercise. I’d say TV has provoked me to think more, especially outside of my field. Even commercials have their value although I admit they mostly become too repetitive for my enjoyment or maybe I just watch too much TV! Commercials and TV shows are sometimes a reflection of our popular culture. For example, I have noticed more and more Asian Indian actors and portrayals in both commercials and TV shows. Their portrayals are almost always of first generation immigrants and are not always flattering but they seem to always be funny with a focus on the very distinctive Asian Indian accent. If you are a Simpson’s fan, then you know the Indian character, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Ph.D, who is a stereotypical convenience store owner. Just today I saw a new Bud Light commerical featuring Asian Indians. How about the character Kelly Kapoor, an all-American Asian Indian on the show, “The Office.” In one episode, at an office party, she was given the “Spicy Curry” Award by her inappropriate boss, and Kelly with her perfect American accent, looks confused and asked,”what’s the Spciy Curry Award?” Although not evident here, but it was really funny on TV. So, my big question is ,why have there been a recent surge Asian Indian characters in the popular media? Is it because the media is appealing to the ever growing Asian Indian population who undoubtedly have a huge spending power? If yes, then why not target the comparably sized Chinese population? I simply don’t see any character portrayals of Chinese-Americans on TV shows and only rarely in commericals. Or is it because the Indian accent strikes more people as funny and is easy to caricature? The Chinese accent just doesn’t seem as comical to imitate. Or perhaps there are more Asian Indian TV show writers and moviemakers and they have pushed to see more representation of their own kind in media? If yes, then where are the Chinese-American script writers, actors, and directors? Don’t tell me they are all becoming Ph.D physicists, restaurant owners, or engineers! Hmm, I wonder whether a communications major or marketing researcher can answer my question. . .

Okay, so getting back to the original topic at hand. I don’t think TV is a bad thing, at all. I hate any kind of portrayal of violence, so I avoid it like the mosquito, mostly I watch shows that are family-friendl. I know it’s entertainment and not gospel so I certainly don’t practice what TV preaches if there is any preachings at all. I agree, I’m an adult and can make these distinctions but kids often can not. So, I’d definitely curtail if not prohibit outright my kids watching TV until they reach a certain age. For example, if my young son watches “family” sitcoms, he might think being a man means you can act stupid, or if my pre-adolecence daughter watches “America’s Next Top Model,” she might be pressured to think being unhealthily thin should be her life goal.** Or my children will incessantly ask for sugary cereals thanks to endless cartoon commercials. So, yes, I’m keenly aware of these issues, partly because I watch TV. But our family is just hubby and I for now, so TV is in our life and I’m giving it the accolades and place it deserves.

**I have to add here that to Tyra Banks' credit (creator and host of America's Next Top Model), she did do an awesome and empowering show (The Tyra Banks Show) on how women should accept their weight and love their bodies despite the message "thin is beautiful" in our culture and media. She came out and defended herself after the media bashed her for gaining 40 lbs. after retiring from her modeling career. She stood proud and beautiful. You see, TV can be good for women!! She has also added two plus-sized models on ANTM. Yes, I know they are tokens more than anything else, but still I admire this model-turned-TV-mogul's voice into this touchy topic. She is one of my TV role models along with Oprah who also brings important subjects into people's minds.

Inner Melancholy

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."
---Henry David Thoreau

I like this quote. I first heard it when I was in high school, in my most pensive and introspective time of life. I remembered it again today. Another quote I chanced upon today that is sooooo very true:

"Cancer ends more lives than it ever kills."
--anonymous

More than death, I fear the disruption of life, the pain and suffering and the end of normalcy that comes with cancer news. Two of my mom's friends were found to have cancer this past year. I became very despondent for a while. Cancer, I fear it more than human terrorists. If you think about it, cancer IS terrorism, terrorism of our body and livelihood of the most insidious kind. There should be a mass "war on cancer," except it's a war that's hard to win, not unlike the actual "war on terrorism." No other disease brings on so much fear in me. I'd much rather die of or see my loved ones die of heart disease or stroke or something with a bit of predictability and control. Cancer attacks when you are least expecting it and it attacks with a fierce and silent vengence that no human technology or medicine can combat. That's the definition of terrorism, isn't it? I remember reading and learning about the mechanisms of cancer in medical school and actually feeling really angy about it, real anger like I'd have for someone who violated others. Cancer's very lethality lies in its stealth. Cancer doesn't just hurt the body, it disjoints the whole family, and the family suffers right along with the patient not any worse than the patient. My only solace is that God delievers His promises of peace and love during such horrific times.

B-School and the Beatitudes

We just received news of Paul’s older brother, David, getting accepted to the Wharton school of business. What great news! We are overjoyed for David. I know it’s been his dream and he worked really hard for it. I have never heard of Wharton until from an episode of “The Apprentice,” I learned that both Donald Trump and his beautiful daughter, Ivanka Trump graduated from Wharton.

The news got me thinking. How great is this country that everyone’s got a fair shot at their dreams. Take hubby’s family, there are no high-profile or wealthy connections; Paul and David are the first in the family to even get a college degree. David didn’t have a rich father or famous mother or connections to the elite, he only had his own hard work and well-earned accolades behind his belt and he got into the world’s best B-school. Only in America. I love this country. Of course David has got talent, he is fluent in three languages and a shiny career at Panasonic for the last several years to boot. Hubby will add that David’s good looks doesn’t hurt either. But no one can underestimate the simple foundation of his hard work.

Hubby jested, “we’ve got a doctor, an engineer, and businessman in the family, now all we need is a liar.”

“Say what?!” I said.

“Oh, I meant a lawyer.” Ha, ha, funny hubby, he didn’t even mean to make a joke, it was a genuine Freudian slip!

This got me thinking some more. I thought of the lesson that we just had last Saturday on the Beautitudes.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”

The author, Philip Yancy, challenged us to think, in a world that rewards self-confidence, self-assertiveness, and success, where do these words of Jesus fit? I have been struggling with the answer ever since. Jesus also said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” It would seem the poor and the meek have a inherent advantage over the well-to-do spiritually. While I believe this is true because the poor, the prosecuted, and the meek are often desperate and desperation will turn us to God, but I don’t believe that it is wrong to be self-confident and successful in this world. It might be harder to have both, both practically and psychologically-speaking, but worldly success and godliness are NOT mutually exclusive. But when failure and crisis do come our way, as Christians, we can handle them with gratitude and even joy knowing that God has promised us great things in our troubled times.

So, this is my prayer for David for his future. I pray that no matter what status or money comes his way, he’ll always retain his core of goodness, integrity, and love for God. And this prayer applies to us, too. But for now, I’m just happy for David, happy that he’ll be back in the US once again. And happy, too, that hubby continues to have a close relationship with his one and only brother. That's more valuable than many things on earth, isn't it?

A Good Day

I had a thoroughly good day today. I was home all day, nothing extraordinary or particularly wonderful happened, just a typical laid back day filled with mundane activities. But I really appreciate the "everyday" day, the expected and the normal. I appreciate what's not in my day (stress and work) as much as I appreciate what is in it. I can call my own shots, do things on my own schedule, and work as hard or as little as I like. I love it!

I had an early doctor's appointment. Then I came home and started my day as a slave in the kitchen, a willing slave, I might add. It's our turn to bring the food for Bible study tomorrow night. I got into my head to pre-make baozi for the group. I tripled the batch this time. While the yeast dough was rising for three hours, I took a nap with Kitty and then went jogging for 45 minutes. What a beautiful sunny day it was!

After the baozi was made, I started on dinner for hubby. After dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, I made daikon and pork rib soup for tomorrow's dinner. Then I tripled-washed a couple of times what seemed like an insane amount of spinach, also for tomorrow night. We all know how much spinach shrink with cooking so I hope it's enough for 8 people! Finally, I double-tasked TV watching and dish washing to finish the day off. I was really tired after all that. But it was a 'good' tired, like I can sit back on the couch without guilt and just enjoy the soreness of my muscles knowing its there for a good reason. There is still laundry that need to be folded, but no problem, there's tomorrow, I have no deadline to meet and no boss to answer to! I still have several pages in "The Jesus I Never Knew" to read for tomorrow's lesson, and that shall be my last task of the night. Meanwhile hubby is studying through the night.

I have decided to postpone my scarf-knitting 'til next month because I realize I'm getting too busy. It's enough that I initiated myself into the art of knitting for now. Here's my weekly schedule this month: spending roughly 20 hours at "work," exercising (jogging and aerobics classes) 2-3 times a week, cooking dinner and washing dishes daily, doing laundry, grocery shopping and other things that a housewife do to keep the home functioning. I am behind in studying for my CS exam, and I really need to step up thereby the decision to postpone my scarf-making. In fact, I'll celebrate the end of the exam with shopping for yarn in April.

Kitty has been sleeping what seemed like all day today. She sleeps a lot already, so more than usual for her means I have hardly seen her move. In fact, she only went out once. I would wake her up by picking her up, and when I put her down somewhere, she would go right back to sleep. Just today, she has slept on the bed, on the couch, on a chair, on the carpet, on the tile, in the closet, and in her "hole." Hubby surmised that she might have a fever. She's had her usual good appetite today so I'm not too worried that she's sick, but still, why sleep so much, Kitty?? I wish I could just ask her! I Googled "cat with fever" for enlightenment. BTW, I have been increasing my knowledge of veterinary medicine, but of course that's the natural thing to do when you're a pet owner.

I know one day Kitty will get sick and beyond help and she'll leave us. It'll be an upsetting time indeed. I think about this often, is that strange of me? But at the same time, I always feel a bout of elation when I see her knowing she is healthy for now. I can never take my loved ones' health for granted because I know it can be gone tomorrow. Yes I know that sounds trite, but it's a very potent truth to me. Fortunately, the ones on Earth I love the most, my husband and my parents, are all in good health right now. But I know one day, soon or late, their health will fail them and I will be faced with the reality of losing them. It is my single greatest fear, but I know God and friends will help me get through it when the time comes. Still, it is my fear, and I can only hope I'll handle it well when that day dawns on me. I'm not scared for my own health, however. I think it's much easier to be the sick one and have your loved ones next to you than being the healthy one taking care of a sick family member. Perhaps this is selfish, but when you're sick, you can concentrate on being sick and you know when you die, heaven awaits. I think it's much harder to worry about a loved one, to watch them suffer and then try to pick up the pieces in this world alone after they die. Hubby and I often jest with each other about who will die first. To my deep chagrin, he believes he will, but I secretly hope I will. Afterall, who will take care of me in my dying days after he's gone? Simply, there isn't anyone else I love as much and connects with as much as him. Dying without him next to me will be very lonely. Okay, one can say his spirit will be with me, but that's hardly the same thing! Is this morbid? Well, it's what's in my head. Perhaps it's not so morbid given that I deal with the sick, the suffering, or the dying on a nearly daily basis. I have had time to think about these things, and prepare myself for them. So often, I see very sick patients in the hospital and their families all around them. Truly, I don't know who suffers more, often I find myself really feeling for the family. In moments like those, I always feel grateful knowing my hubby is sleeping and well at home. Or when I get a call from my parents and they have no bad news, I always take a moment to be happy for the absence of disease in them. Yes, I'm always on the guard for bad news regarding my husband and parents. I think one day when the bad news come, I won't even be very surprised. It's way of protecting myself, you see. If I expect it, I'm not so defeated by it when it comes. It's a fear in me but also an armor around me. It's this mentality that enables me to fully appreciate a simple day like today. When we have our health, we are already rich and blessed many times over without anything else. Know that days like today are numbered and are to be treasured.

What If. . .

So I was just randomly thinking one day. . .What if everyone in the world had the power of telepathy? Yes, everyone will be able to know what another person is thinking by just willing it. I came to the conclusion that the world will become utterly chaotic. People will become violent towards perfect strangers just because of negative and prejudiced thoughts that goes on in people's minds. Will we shut off our telepathy long enough to get anything done in our day-to- day life and work? Perhaps the already low voter turnout will decrease to nil because people will know all politicians' true motives and inner thoughts. Or perhaps, the opposite will happen, only the truly honest-hearted politicians will be voted into office. Relationships of all levels will break down because people know the thought life of everyone else. Will there be more divorces because spouses find out their spouses are really not who they thought they were? Or will more romances occur because previously shy secret admirers will come together? Friendships will clash and collapse once when we learn what friends really think. But maybe we'll just learn who our true friends are? Will there be any pastors, preachers, ministers or holy men left? Won't we just learn that they have just as shockingly sinful thoughts as we? Or maybe, we'll be touched by how closely they walk with God in prayers?

I am just glad, in the world outside of my imagination, telepathy isn't real. However, I mustn't forget that GOD is someone who DOES know every single one of our thoughts.

1 Chronicles 28:9
for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts.

Psalm 139:2
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

The Bible also teaches us to guard our thoughts and be disciplined in it so that our thoughts might be wholesome. I know my own thought life falls far short of God's ideal and the following verse is a good reminder to me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is NOBLE, whatever is RIGHT, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is ADMIRABLE- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.