The Big Day

The Big Day is coming. Preparations for it have been ongoing for many many weeks, years, really. After all, life will not be the same again and she needed to prepare herself mentally and physically. There were many many shopping trips buying loads of new clothes. “We all have to wear something.” she consoled herself at the money that’s spent. She readied her home in numerous ways, buying a new dark curtin instead of the sheer ones they had. This promotes restful sleep, she reasoned. She even stocked up on items like toilet paper and detergent, just in case they run out and she can’t steal a moment away to buy them.

She thought of the new responsibility that’s dawning upon her. She’s stepping into a new role, one that she’s never been in before, all the preparation in the world aren’t quite enough, but a role that she has to be ready for anyways. She thinks of all the sleepless nights that come with being a caretaker. There is still so much to learn, everyday will be something new and different. Those thoughts are equally exciting and scary to her right now.

Recently, she got together with a couple of friends in her same shoes. They had gone to classes together, swapped advices, and partied together in the days before the Big Day. This night, they shared pictures of their big overseas trips with each other over fruit tart dessert. Mel and Omar had gone to Europe for three weeks, while she and her husband had gone to Asia during that same time. There were many happy memories and funny stories that accompanied the pictures. “Ahh,” they all signed afterwards. They all knew it would be many many years until they would have that much time to take trips like that again. They talked and reminiced to almost midnight, knowing that there’s nothing to do the next day except for sleeping in. But those days are to be over soon.

“What day do you have to go to the hospital?” She asked of her friend.

“On Monday. I can’t believe how early I’ll have to wake up from now on.” Mel said.
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So, what is the Big Day? While it’s NOT the arrival of a new baby, the first day as a medical resident in many ways is similar to becoming a new mother. The tremenduous responsibility, the sacrifices, big and small, sleepless nights, fatigue, lack of personal time, and all the new knowledge. Yes, motherhood and resident-hood are both overwhelming. No, I’m not saying that having a child and having a new job is the same thing, but just very similar in their demands. I draw this comparison because of the many female friends around me that are new mothers or soon-to-bes. There are even a small minority of students I know that are welcoming BOTH new roles of being new parents and new physicians at the same time. As much as I want kids and moan at my delayed motherhood, I don’t envy those colleagues. One day I shall have both, kids and career, but now it would be almost impossible to me.

One of the couples in our Bible study group just announced they are nine-weeks pregnant. Their happy news is only overshadowed by the fact that she’s having hyperemesis gravidarum. She’s overcome with nausea and vomiting all day-long. I feel bad for her that she can’t enjoy her pregnancy right now, but only see and feel the dark side of things. With the announcement of K & J’s pregnancy, Paul and I are now the only childless couple in the group. Yes, there are the questions, “so when’s your turn?” I feel a little miffed at having to explain to them time and again that we can’t really have a baby while I’m in residency. I will soon be the only working woman in the group as the only other working mom is quitting her job. I suppose I feel a little jealous, not at the pregnancy but at the fact how everyone rushes in to give her advices and share their experiences. We talked for hours about how much coffee per day is allowed during pregnancy, why eating pineapple is contraindicated is Chinese medicine, how long it takes to lose the baby weight afterwards, how to combat morning sickness, etc. Well, I wish the ladies would come to my aid and tell me how I can keep my home clean while working all week or easy recipes I can manange on a weeknight or how to maintain my marriage while under stress at work. I suppose I felt rather alone last night at Bible study.

Apparently, I am practicing what is known as “delayed motherhood.” I didn’t know there’s a name to it, certainly didn’t plan on it, but here I am, one of those women in modern times choosing “delaying motherhood.” I don’t like to be labeled, but I can’t argue its appropriateness. Sometimes, I think of all the girlfriends of mine that are stay-at-home pregnant women and moms. It seems I’ve strayed so far compared to them. My body reminds me of my ticking clock each month as I lose more eggs, eggs that I’ll never get back, eggs that mark my decreasing fertility. I feel a little sad and anxious. Then, I spend time with my fellow female doctor friends, and realize I’m not alone. I called Malini this past week, and we talked about buying new scrubs and comfortable shoes for the hospital, our upcoming ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) training, etc. I’m so grateful she’s with me at residency. While I don’t have Chrisitian mentors in the medical field, but I do have some really good medical friends to share and vent.

Everything will be okay. There’s a time and season for everything under the sun, the Bible says, and my time is not yet here for motherhood. Meanwhile, I have my own Big Day to prepare for. There are no congratulatory hugs or baby showers, but it’s no less signifcant and life-changing for me.