Thoughts on a Rainy Afternoon

It's a rare rainy weekend in Texas. Unfortuately, it happens on my rare weekend off. Now, I'm inclined to just stay inside and won't be walking the dog, to my chagrin.

My Dad called me on Valentine's Day to say, "happy Valentine's day." He's never done that before! I proceeded to tell him Valentine's Day is no big deal and I'm working anyways, but he said yes it was and I shouldn't let work encroach on having a life. I suppose he's gotten sentimental with age. I was on call that day in the hospital and Paul texted me "happy Valentine's," which I thought was sweet of him. There were chocolates, cookie and cakes every where in the hospital and I gorged plenty on Valentine goodness.

If Feb 14th passed without much fanfare this year, then Chinese New Year did with even less. It's the Year of the Rat!! Again, my parents were aghast at the fact that hubby and I had no celebration plans nor holiday spirit. Holiday traditions are super important to my parents from the Christmas tree every year to the right auspicious food to eat on Chinese New Year's. One day I shall be like that, too, but at this point in my life, it just can't be done.

Certain patients leave an indelible mark on me and I continue to think about them way after my need to. It was this way with this patient of mine that was discharged yesterday. I woke up this morning wondering how she is faring in her new nursing home. In her demented state, she's become like a child, a very cantankerous one, outright indecent, and sometimes bordering on being violent. From knowing her in the past several days, I know she needs just the right type of cajoling and coaxing for her to be properly cared for. I hope it is the way with her at the nursing home. In the process of caring for her in the hospital, I've gotten to know her, her unsavory past, her undesirable present, the bridges she's burned with her family and friends, and her utter lack of insight into her situation. She yelled unprovoked expletives at me and I pitied her even more with a deeper drive to help her which is perhaps only a small bandage to her gaping wound.

On my day off, the going-ons of the hospital is last thing I want on my mind, but sometimes I encounter people who's journey and paths are so drastically different from those of my own life that I can't stop thinking about them. I suppose it makes me extra grateful for my own given life. I realize I'm remarkably normal and functional. This leads to think about the issue of mental health and how disorders like schizophrenia and bipolor wreck havoc on people's wellbeing and their capacity for a meaningful life. I could never be a psychiatrist and be in the middle of these people's broken situations and more often than not, there are no good answers to why or how to "fix" them. My patient is who she is today because of the series of poor decisions she made due to her mental health and its left her in the decrepit state she is in now. Truly, who's to blame, who's responsible? As healthcare workers, we can only do so much. I think about the recent college shooting in North Illinois and the predicable relationship to the mental health of the shooter, or the Virginia Tech shooter and his disturbed mind. I think the nation as a whole is at a lost for answers for how to prevent another tragedy such as these. Is it more gun control? Is it more aggressive or mandatory treatment of people with mental health disorders? Or should we take the lassie fair attitude of one commentator, "we can't change the weather, we can only change our sail."

Medicine and Religion

Should Doctors Pray for their Patients?

I haven’t read much on this topic to know the consensus agreement or the schools of thought on this out there, but this issue was brought up to me recently and I have some thoughts on it.

Someone at Bible Study wanted to know if I prayed for my patients? I said no, it is not my habit to do so. He proceeded to say something along the line of “well, you can only act in accordance with your conscience. . . without our conscience, then we have nothing.” I didn’t answer him back but just nodded, but now I am a wee bit incensed. Here’s my response to this.

While I don’t pray for my patients in the strict sense, I do have compassion and think about my patients often, many times long after I’ve come home and it is not just because my beeper from the hospital goes off. So to the best of my “conscience,” I feel like this is the right thing to do, praying or not. I am still at the beginning of my medical training, while having compassion for my patients come naturally to me, having a comprehensive arsenal of medical knowledge and know-how doesn’t and it is that latter tool I seek to sharpen everyday. I don’t doubt prayers for patients are important but I don’t believe it is my role as a doctor. There are chaplains for every religion and denomination in the hospital, there are community resources just for the spiritual needs of the sick. And of course there are family members and friends. If it was me on the other side of the sick bed, I would ask and expect all my friends to pray for my loved one. But as a doctor, what I do pray about regularly is that I don’t hurt people under my care and that God would give me the strength to do what I need to do to become the doctor the patients need. So, no I don’t pray for my patients directly. I believe what they need from me is competent medical practice and advice. Prayers help people but they don’t always treat or cure diseases, medicine and surgery do. If prayers had the track records that cardiac catherization has on heart attacks or surgery has on an infected gallbladder, then medical professionals would be taught on the mechanisms and practice of praying along with pharmacology and pathology. The fact remains, God chooses to answer very few of the human prayers for delivering people from illness. That is simply not His way. Our limited human-ness can’t understand why but that is just the way it is. What praying lacks, medicine picks up with drugs and technology. No, medical science does not cure spiritual ills, but then again it wasn’t meant to do that nor was I trained to so. I’m glad there are special gifted people who become chaplains or prayer warriors that tend to patients' spiritual needs which arguably is on par with a person’s physical needs.

Unlike my friend at Bible study, I don’t look at everyone I meet or every situation I encounter through spiritually-colored lenses. Perhaps I should, perhaps this is a mark of my spiritual immaturity, but nevertheless, it is my station in life now. Perhaps one day I will reach new heights spiritually and have a completely different view but right now I’m just not there yet.

This same said friend expressed his concern that I was becoming a back-sliding Christian and wanted to know if hubby and I could meet an extra day on a weekday with them (since I can make it on weekends only seldomly), to help me back on track, so to speak. In his usual subtle-ness, he basically said we are all busy people and if we are truly dedicated, then time wouldn’t be an excuse. Yes, I agree we are all busy, I don’t degrade their busy-ness beneath me but I also know myself and what I’m able to do and not do. I agree I don’t always use my time wisely, definitely too much time Googling such non-sense as lop-sided bunnies and watching Cashmere Mafia on-line. However, it is my winding down time and I probably won’t become disciplined enough to change. I whole-hearted am grateful for their concern for my spiritual health. They are wonderful friends to count on and to have. However, I can’t imagine adding on another regularly scheduled activity onto my plate since I’m not evening doing well with the ones already on it! What I’d love is for them to pray for me and of course their understanding for the fact that this is a demanding and exciting time in my life.

You know what else I really need? A maid!! Seriously, I’m looking for one and in the process of deciding whether we can afford one or not.

To be honest, I am most concerned these days with becoming a competent physician, most other things have taken a back burner in life. Such is the season in my life, and like other seasons, it’ll come to pass. I still know too little to be where I need to be one day but I know enough to know medical errors happen and can hurt or kill patients and I never want that to happen to me. One of the many cited drawbacks of medicine by physician themselves is the tremendous liability that we have on my minds and backs. Medical errors kill thousands of patients every year. For me, the issue can’t be overemphasized or overstated. Even as a lowly intern, because I have the power to prescribe, the treatment or medications I order or didn’t order can have detrimental effects on people. We are all human and human errors happen but I hope to never become too jaded or too careless to make such a fatal mistake.


That’s my rant.

Doggone Days

Here's our Sunday excursion to the nearby walking/jogging trail that I discovered yesterday.

Hiro meet the duckies. They are bigger than you!


Hmm, Hiro not as interested in duckies as hubby.

We walked for over a hour.. . and there were still energy left in the little guy!

Hiro, the maltipoo at 7 months old.

Today was also Superbowel Sunday. I was not very invested in it, but go New York Giants!!

One with Many Labels

My first fake nails!

I got my nails done last weekend. The picture is not an actual picture of my real nails as I'm too lazy to get the camera and take a pic, but my nails look just like that. I was convinced I wanted the new gel overlay french manicure but the Vietnamese lady convinced me acrylic tips would be stronger and longer lasting. The truth is, not many people are experienced enough to do gel overlays which takes longer and costs more. After a week, I'm happy to say my nails still look like they were just done, not even a scratch! They really stand up to any activity you put your nails through. Acrylics rule!! It's nice because because only the very tip of every nail is glued on, the rest of the nails are my own, albeit reinforced with a a very strong yet clear layer of acrylic mixture. Ingenious! I love how my nails look so feminine and clean! So, they should last about 3 weeks until new nails grow out after which I have to spend oodles of money again and get them re-filled.

January is gone for good. It's been a good month in the sense I was on Pulmonary and had my weekends off, but the bad side is my days were 12-13 hour days. I rarely saw the sun since I left home in the darkness of dawn and returned to an already darkened sky. Not a schedule I liked at all, but it's over for now. I'm back on wards, yes, I'll have to spend some nights in the hospital but atleast the other days I get to come home at a decent hour.

But boy did I make up for lack of sun today! It was a beautifully sunny day and I took Hiro out for a much needed walk. No amount of begging could deter hubby's resolve to study for his exam on Monday (can you believe it?), so I went out alone with Hiro. I discovered a great walking/jogging trail nestled in a nearby apartment property! How happy I was to get away from the hustle and noise of street cars and enter the sanctuary of quiet squirrels and ducks! A rather unfortunate thing happened, though, I lost my phone along the way. When I found it, it was already ran over by a car!:( Looks like I will be shopping for a new phone tomorrow.

Of course anyone would agree, there are a lot of depressing things in the hospital, but to me, people on dialysis and people on ventilators have to be some of the most depressing. It's just a feeling I get when I step into the hemodialysis quarter or the ICU. Sometimes I step back and think, how far medicine has come to be able to take over the function of a whole organ system, like the kidneys and lungs, when they fail. It's a bit unnatural and awe-inspiring at the same time. Anyways, just some of my random thoughts.

I was warned about Dr. H, the pulmonologist, before I started working with him in January. "He will pimp you to death, " is his reputation. He deeply humbled me into realizing how much I don't know. Most of the time, I had no pride to be hurt because the way I see it, everytime I find out I don't know something is an opportunity to patch up that gap in my medical knowledge. Dr .H is not a natural-born American (he's South American, I believe) so he has a peculiar way of being honest and probing. Like when he talks to patients who are smokers, "so, are you going to stop smoking, or is that too much to ask?", he would say with a straight poker face. To this question, the patient would usually give a laugh and pause. Then Dr. H would continue, " I just want to know because I don't want to waste my time." The other thing he likes to do is to calculate for patients how much their smoking has cost them, monetary-wise. "Oh my, you could have bought a house!" or "for that much money, you could take a vacation in Hawaii. . .with your daughter." Somehow, Dr. H has a way of sizing you up and do it unapologetically. I have only seen that kind of straightforwardness and honesty in foreigners. Americans are very big on political correctness and politeness, a kind of fakeness that we get comfortable with and expect from strangers and professionals. Hmm, just another observation.

Another random observatin of mine: I can't believe skinny jeans are still in!! Makes me want to go and buy another pair! Should I or not? Decisions, decisions. . .

I'm working with another nice resident this month, wohoo!! He is giving us five days off, one extra day than usual!:) My attending, however, is one I would rather not work with, and I will just say that much. But oh will, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.

I will end this post with this quote:

" Happiness in life is nothing more than a good health

and a bad memory."

Whatnots

As my vacation is drawing to an end, I'm a little sad, anxious and depressed all rolled into one at the prospect of going back to work. Speaking with another resident, I know this is not uncommon. I do like my work, I do, but being at home is ever so nice. Ahhh. . .

And what is up with the weather??! It's 70 degrees out there!! It's lovely if only Global Warming wasn't so menacing.

Hiro just got back from his neuter surgery. Poor little guy, his testicles (both) were undescended and the doctor had to make a wider incision and go exploring in his abdomen. Hiro is getting some much needed rest while I'm on the computer. If I go about my chores around the house, he'll be awake and attempt to follow me everywhere so I'm doing computer work so he can rest.

I went out to watch "I am Legend" last night with hubby. I go to the movies like once or twice a year and I wish I hadn't done so this time. It was the scariest movie I've ever seen in a long time. It was something about the darkness and rabies-crazed humans that just struck a wrong chord with me. Hubby, on the other hand, enjoyed it much. However, I loved "Evan Almighty", which we watched at home a few days ago. Funny and positive, just like movies should be. I know I'm corny and boring.

Yes, I really did have a good week off, albeit too short. I had quite a few people advising me and hubby to take a trip for this break. "You HAVE to go somewhere", "Get away", "If you don't do it now, you'll regret it after you have a baby." For a short while, we even contemplated a short Mexico or Carribean cruise, but now thinking back, I don't think I would have changed my vacation a bit. Movies in bed with hubby, savoring my mom's steamed pork buns, highlights in my hair, finding that perfect velour hoodie/pant set at Macy's, meeting friends' brand new 2-week old baby, seeing old friends, etc.

Hairy business

Hiro got his first professional grooming session shortly before New Year's. And he really needed it, just look at his before/after pictures. Apparently he was a very problematic client for the groomer. He was squirming, biting, and fighting every step of the way. The groomer had to put a muzzle on him and a usual 30-minute affair turned into a 3-hour ordeal. I suppose it's very hard to make a puppy understand why someone has to clip his toenails, pluck hair out of his ears and all the while he has to stay still. But again, he will get use to this particular quirk of human domination like other unnatural habits and tricks he's now accustomed to.

BEFORE.

AFTER.

Hiro's poodle-ness really comes through, not so much maltese.

And guess who else got a hair cut? Moi!! I was getting so tired of the ponytail hairstyle I've had for ages. Only in the last two years I've adopted side swept bangs. I liked my last hair cut and perm in Taiwain in May of 2007, but since then the perm has grown out. For the first time in my life, I got my hair highlighted. Actually, there are "lowlights", too, but I have no idea what the difference is. You can't tell from the picture, but there are blonde to light brown to red highlights/lowlights in my hair. Hubby calls it my "New York haircut." I suppose he's not used to anything but a conservative undyed pulled back hair on me. Now I understand the craze of Asian girls with colored hair. It's so neat to see the color variations in your hair. Like many other sought-after things in life, it breaks up the monotony. I'm definitely in love with the salon. I went to the Toni & Guy salon in North Park mall.

Before.

After.

I'm so over curls (for now) in pursuit of sleek straight hair. I had a self-tutorial in flat irons over the internet and purchased one. I got the Solia brand as it had the best reveiws. I can't wait for it to arrive! And then there's leave-in conditioners and thermal protectants for the hair. I can't believe how much there is I don't know about beauty products and hair care. There are middle-school girls posting on Youtube about the use of flat irons! I'm such a virgin at this, but I get a feeling that my shampoo-and-air-dry days are over. But if work ever gets too hairy (a pun!), I'll have my pony-tail to fall back on.

In search of beauty knowledge, I came across gel overlay French manicure. Now I'm dreaming of getting a full set. What is that? Before yesterday, I didn't know either but it's the newest technology in artificial nails using dental-grade material, a step above the old acrylic nails. And I haven't even entered the world of facials and spas. I think I've opened a Pandora's box!

I was just pondering of the sheer expense of being a woman in the pursuit of beauty and vanity. By habit and by upbringing, I was the "au naturale" girl, but now I definitely see the light of "artificial" beauty. It's not all about superficiality. I believe the confidence boost we get from a new hairdo or putting on make-up carries over to our family life and our workplace. We all have our boundary of what is too much and each woman need to make that decision for herself and hopefully not judge others for making different choices. Some women draw the line at using a little lip gloss and other women draw the line at getting breast implants. The common denominator is, as women, we need to feel good about ourselves and be proud of our femininity. As the Revlon slogan says (and this is in no way kowtowing to the commercial industry but simplying plucking a kernal of truth from a message), "because you're worth it.

.

This Christmas

I did not expect much from Christmas this year. In fact, I was even avoiding and dreading it since I know it'll be just another work day for me. I had no Christmas cards to send, no gifts to give, no gatherings to attend and our home was totally void of holiday decor. But Christmas turned out to be special anyway. I came home early from work since all non-essential activities were cancelled at the hospital. Hubby and I ate at Tokyo One for lunch. Then we took Hiro to othe dog park and had a long walk around White Rock Lake. So, I'd say we had a rather untraditional Christmas, but it was so nice anyways. In the future, I'd love to totally immerse myself in the Christmas spirit. The Christmas tree, the holiday photo cards, gifts for friends, holiday parties, Christmas church service. . . eggnog, mistole, tinsels, etc., the whole nine yards.

~*~

Christmas day was a gloriously sunny day, a gift from God. Here are some pictures taken around our apartment. Yes, I know the pictures to follow are so canine-centric, but Hiro in his Santa suit is the only holiday effort we have to show for.

Hiro all aglow


"I'm flying!" Look at his ears all up like a rabbit!

It's fun to run.

Santa sighting.

Today is the first day of my week-long vacation. I was so happy getting off work today, like, singing a silly song, swimming in bed, and chasing the dog for no reason -happy. I look forward to visiting Arkansas, shopping a ton, sleeping in, spending time with my mom, watching movies, taking pictures, meeting friends' new baby, playing with dog. . .oh gosh, I wish I had more days off.

This Cursed Monday!

Bad things happen in threesomes, I am convinced. . .

1. I was stuck in a traffic jam for 3 hours on my 15 minute commute home!

2. Hiro pooped on the carpet!? Okay, so he's 98% housetrained.

3. Found out I can't attend the resident Christmas party because I'm on call that evening.

I am still fuming. . .

Cute, cute, way too cute!!

"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. *clap, clap* If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. . ."

Okay, but if you're not happy, forget the song and claps, skip on over to www.cuteoverload.com. I'm on call tomorrow, :( but I was cheered up once I saw these pictures.

Ahhh, seeing pictures of cats make me really really want one. I'd love to have the meow of a cat around the house again, their small paws making biscuits on my stomach and their purring putting me to sleep. I told hubby tonight that as soon as we buy a house I'm getting a cat again.

Also check out http://www.stuffonmycat.com and www.stuffonmymutt.com. If these pictures don't make you laugh then hmm, I don't know what to say except something's seriously wrong with you!

New Month, New Moments

A new month also means a new team, new resident, new co-intern and new attending. And this month promises to be a very promising one. First of all, I love my co-intern, an anesthesia intern whom I worked with in October as well. When I think of S, I think of calm. She's African-American with a great sense of style and a head of hair to envy. She must live with a hairstylist or something because her hair is always amazing. One day she comes in with dreadlocks, another day with a bun, then the next with a updo in a head wrap. As for me, my hair is always the same, tied back with a rubber band. I must get to the bottom of what's her tress-rific secret. Ha, I love that pun!

Second of all, my resident in December is the super-great CK. I worked with her in July, yep, she was my very first resident in my very first month of internship. I couldn't have asked for a better resident during the overwhelming "First Month." What's more, CK gave S and I the day off today!!! Just like that, CK said, "we are on call on Sunday, so why don't you take Saturday off and I'll see all the patients." Oh my gosh, I had to ask, "are you sure?!" I was afraid if I said too much, CK would change her mind!

I hardly knew what to do with myself today. I slept in, of course. After hubby went to his Saturday class and usual date with badminton, I went shopping --just for work clothes. (Any new clothes in photos are loot from earlier shopping trips of months past). I picked up a couple of new sets of scrubs and a new white coat. When it comes to scrubs, there are name-brands, you know the Calvin Kleins of medical wear, and then there are the no-name brands of the Target variety. Even Grey's Anatomy and Katherine Heigle now have their own lines of scrubs and white coats!! Back in summer, Malini and I visited this little uniform shop (Scrubs-N-Chef Uniform Depot on N. Stemmons) hidden in a half-abandoned shopping center. The store owners are an old Indian/Pakistani couple. Although not a glamorous place to shop, but for only $16.99/set, I have discovered that the scrubs I bought there fit very well and have stood up to the test of time and frequent visits in the laundry machine. So today I went back for more and also picked up a generic 37" white coat. I have discovered that the life of a white coat for an intern/resident is 6 months, at most. My white coat is my single most frequently worn piece of clothing and after several months, it just won't wash clean anymore. It's rather nasty looking and probably colonized with every hospital germ there is. So I was really glad to see a new whiter than white white coat today and decided to get my name and speciality embroidered on it in the store. Unfortunately it was seriously botched!! The lines are lope-sided and a little too high. I didn't realize this until I came home. Maybe that's why the Indian lady gave me some free scrunchies!

As for what I did rest of the day. . .I cleaned up our home a bit and took some frivolous photos.

Mixing the old with the new:

Cropped black jacket with 3/4 sleeves and ankle boots are these seasons trends, but the tee and jeans are last years.

Black n' white jumper dress, black tights and ankle boots.

My new tan cold-weather boots with last year's jacket and jeans. These boots have been "in" for the last couple of years, but I love them, perfect for the snow days.

My new favorite outfit these days b/c it's super comfy: mini jean skirt with black leggings, and black flats.

New work clothes: the ever popular ciel blue scrubs and my new crisp white coat. Even in this poor picture, you can see the screwed up embroidery.